The Penalty Box

For those of you that didn’t see it on Saturday, this is a reason to love hockey. A no-look tip pass resulting in a between the legs shot for a goal.

Can’t wait for the playoffs.

I thought this was pretty cool. Gold medal game was actually a pretty intense game. I haven’t been that nervous watching international hockey since the 2007 World Junior Championship in Leksand. Hopefully the IOC doesn’t DMCA this video.

I do believe HD hockey is one of the prettiest things on this here planet Earth. Hell, even curling in HD is pretty.

…plus the pre and post games in between, all the games are Canadian teams, Jim Hughson is doing the Canucks game and it’s already started at 11 in the morning.

Today will be a good day. I love Hockey Day in Canada.

But the Canucks lost.

BUT HOCKEY IS BACK!

…don’t talk to me about hockey for the next 24-48 hours. I might bite your head off. Let me brood.
Just a warning.

This is fantastic. It works because it’s a bear though; I don’t see this working with Fin. Orcas are supposed to be badass, but sticking arms and legs on a whale just makes it look goofy.

However, it’s not to say the Canucks are devoid of good commercials. Here are the Sedins in an Eagles in the City promotion.

The Canucks’ marketing department should take note of stuff like this, instead of coming up with unoriginal stuff like “The Seventh Man.”

In this series “Better Know a Hockey Fan,” the topics covered have been The Poolie, The Gambler, and The Puck Bunny.  Today I will discuss The Backseat Coach.

Much like coaching personalities in hockey, The Backseat Coach varies in volume while watching a game.  The quietest person you know could be the most boisterous once the puck drops, and that loudmouth who never shuts up about anything can turn into the biggest mutterer you’ve ever met. The Backseat Coach might seem like a know-it-all, and, depending on personality, can be quite arrogant (see: Cherry, Donald S.) or pretty informative.  The former is very annoying, and probably deserves a punch or two.

The Backseat Coach sees the game from a different perspective from the typical fan.  While most people cheer the slick puck control work of Pavel Datsyuk to get around the defenceman, The Backseat Coach appreciates the two quick passes that started the breakout.  When some gripe at a defenceman for not knocking down a breakaway pass, The Backseat Coach complains about the winger that turned the puck over at the offensive blueline just before the breakaway pass.  You’ll often hear him complain about line combinations, how bad the actual coach is at juggling player ice time or why Player X is or is not on the power play.  “Good stick” and “way to go boys” are a couple of phrases you’ll hear often, as is “GET IT DEEP!” and “Watch the trailer, watch the trailer!”

The Backseat Coach will be able to tell you the difference between a 1-2-2 system and a Left Wing Lock, the pros and cons on the dump and chase strategy, and how to break down a passive penalty kill box.  He’ll also usually have a whipping boy on the team, a guy he likes to rag on because of overall poor performance or just because that one time he lost the game on a bad pass.  He’ll know just enough to make you think he could coach hockey, but in reality, he’s no better than any of the other guys out there with half-baked line combinations and a can-do attitude.

You’ll notice The Backseat Coach is always clamouring for a replay, even if he saw it the first time.  The more angles to analyze a play, the better as far as he’s concerned.  Hindsight is always 20/20, and boy does he have a lot of it.  It’s always easy to criticize when the action is slowed down and is viewable from the six or seven different angles the cameras offer, but on the ice, players only have one view.  Victory provides a pretty big high for The Backseat Coach, because he recognizes every play that went into getting it.  On the flip side, defeat is that much more bitter because there are infinitely more what-ifs than just that crossbar (stupid Lafayette) or that kicked in goal (stupid Otto).

Usefulness: Providing you know one that isn’t a dick, you can learn a few more intricacies about the game if you ask The Backseat Coach to explain it.  When one is passionate enough to learn strategy, one is passionate enough to teach it.  Otherwise, just throw popcorn at him and tell him to pipe down so everyone else can watch.

Next up: The “Shoot It” Guy

In this series of “Better Know a Hockey Fan,” I have covered The Poolie and The Gambler.  The subject of this post is The Puck Bunny.

Often clad in pink team merchandise (I still maintain that the inventor of the pink jersey should burn in hell), The Puck Bunny is usually one of the more vocal fans you will see attending/watching a hockey game. They’re like groupies for hockey players. You will also see them carrying signs affixed with glitter written on brightly coloured poster board carrying a marriage proposal for their favourite player du jour. Not that there aren’t male Puck Bunnies, as evidenced by the following photographic evidence (at least, I think this one is male).

The Puck Bunny is in the general age range of teenage to early twenties, is predominantly female and has the hockey sense of your average wet paper bag. Not unlike your typical screaming boy band fanatic, The Puck Bunny has more interest in a player’s marital status than his current goal total. There are even web sites dedicated to keeping track of these things.

No NHL player has been stalked to my knowledge, but you never know what happens with major junior players in small town Canada (especially since those kids are in the same age bracket as The Puck Bunny). Need proof? Go attend a major junior hockey game, like the Vancouver Giants. You won’t have to look hard for puck bunnies, they’ll be the ones screeching. Try to listen carefully to what they say, if you’re willing to risk your ears bleeding from the pitch of their voices, and you’ll understand just how crazy it gets. At least it’s not Beatles/Elvis crazy though; my uncle once told me the story of Beatles fans trying to trap Paul McCartney’s farts into a bottle so they could smell it later.

The most fascinating part of a hockey game for The Puck Bunny is the interview of the player, because that’s when she will get to know the “real .” Cliches demonstrate sensitivity…or…something.  Upon seeing her favourite player, The Puck Bunny may emit a sound which I can only describe as “squealing,” although that’s doing pigs a disservice. On occasion, this “squealing” may rise above the range of human hearing (in which case you only need worry if you have a pet dog).

Usefulness: Unless you’re a hockey player looking for a booty call, they’re just annoying.  Except when they’re hot.  And you have earplugs.

Next up: The Backseat Coach

I began my series of “Better Know a Hockey Fan” with The Poolie. This post features The Gambler.

The Gambler doesn’t really have a favourite team; he just cheers for whoever will win him the bet.  Not unlike The Bandwagon Jumper, except The Gambler is doing it for money rather than some desperate attempt to be a part of a winning tradition.  More noble? Not really, but at least it gains him something tangible. The Gambler knows the point spread, although that’s child’s play to him. He’s got bets on everything from how many fights there will be in a game (the Don Cherry Special) to how many post game interviews will feature the phrase “gotta give it 110% and keep playing our game” (Kesler’s feeling pretty cliche tonight).

When others are high-fiving a goal, The Gambler is cursing about how that just cost him the over/under bet he had on total goals. He’s also on the phone half of the game because he just found another bet to place. At this point, he’s probably got 10 large sitting amongst various dubious bookies, half of which are probably under investigation by the RCMP (and by “investigation” I mean “being ignored while they handle the latest PR disaster”). The other half is getting bailed out by the latest stimulus package. What, you thought there would be accountability or something?

The Gambler likely knows less about hockey than your average fan; all of the knowledge in his brain is comprised of current team hot/cold streaks, goals per game, recent coaching changes and the most recent win/loss goal differential. Who needs to know about offsides when you can predict when a team’s hot streak will come to an end? Play the odds right, and bam, you got yourself an easy score.

Usefulness: Unless you’re placing a bet, not much. Even then, most gamblers suck at it. You gotta be careful though, The Gambler might hit you up for some cash to make his next bet.

Next up: The Puck Bunny