The Penalty Box

It saddens me every time I see a parent take the lazy way out and, in essence, hand power over to the child.  I was on the bus and observed a particularly whiny brat refusing to sit down.  The mother attempted to threaten the child with a typical “If you don’t sit down right now, we’re getting off and going home.” Result? Child begins screaming. Flustered, the mother then says, “if you sit down, I’ll give you a lollipop.” Wait, what? Did she just positively reinforce bratty behaviour? Here’s what’s wrong with this picture:

• If your kid begins screaming in public and you get embarrassed, you shouldn’t be having kids to begin with.  The people on the bus don’t know you and almost assuredly will never see you again. Why do you care what they think if your kid is screaming? Go yank out your balls/uterus right now. Please avoid further polluting the gene pool.
• Bailing out on a threat teaches your kid that whatever you say you’ll do, you’ll never actually do. If you don’t actually get off the damn bus, he knows he just has to carry on screaming just a little bit longer and he’ll get away with it.
• Bribing him to sit down teaches him one thing: if he screams enough, he gets candy. You’re rewarding him for being an asshole.

Kids are, in general, assholes. That’s because they don’t know any better. It’s the job of parents to tell them when they’re being assholes and then teach them how NOT to be assholes. I liken it to training a dog not to pee in the house or chew on the slippers. Yuppie parents will complain that their children are special, not some kind of animal. Well, last I checked, homo sapien was part of Kingdom Animalia (see, here’s my grade school biology being useful here, who needs Wikipedia?), and, just like your pet dog, kids need to be taught right from wrong.

When you threaten your child when he’s acting up, you bloody well better follow through on it. The best example of this I’ve seen recently was during a Canucks game I attended.  Some little twerp a couple rows up from my seat was kicking the back of the seat in front of him. His father twice told him to stop kicking, and on the third time threatened to take him home if he didn’t stop. Defiant to the last, the kid decided to kick the seat again. The father picked up his son in one arm, jackets in the other and left the game. In the first period. So let’s see, the dad was out something like $130 ($65 a ticket roughly, given the seating area), plus the parking, and he missed getting to see the game live in the arena. Worth it to teach his son a lesson? Absolutely. I don’t think that kid will be such a jackass at a hockey game again. That kid on the bus? He’ll pull the exact same stunt again because his mother would rather cave than to put up with a few strange looks.

Childhood is all about trying things out and learning how the world works.  If throwing a tantrum results in getting candy, further tantrums will result with the end goal of getting candy. If a parent stands unyielding through a tantrum, the lesson is tantrums are ineffective at achieving any goal, so they stop happening (or at the very least, they cut short fairly quickly). Know what happens if tantrums are rewarded? You get that jackass who is throwing a fit in Starbucks because that $6 latte was made with 2 pumps of foam instead of 3 and I’ll have you fired for this you dumb minimum wage monkey DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I MAKE THAN YOU??!!

This just makes me feel like the Grumpy Old Man switch in me has been flipped a little too early. I need to go laugh at everyone older than me and prank one of my co-workers. This maturity crap ought to be handled by someone with real responsibilities.

You know, like a parent.

Whales: the fat jerks of the sea.  Orcas are pretty damn awesome though (and a little scary too).

In this series “Better Know a Hockey Fan,” the topics covered have been The Poolie, The Gambler, and The Puck Bunny.  Today I will discuss The Backseat Coach.

Much like coaching personalities in hockey, The Backseat Coach varies in volume while watching a game.  The quietest person you know could be the most boisterous once the puck drops, and that loudmouth who never shuts up about anything can turn into the biggest mutterer you’ve ever met. The Backseat Coach might seem like a know-it-all, and, depending on personality, can be quite arrogant (see: Cherry, Donald S.) or pretty informative.  The former is very annoying, and probably deserves a punch or two.

The Backseat Coach sees the game from a different perspective from the typical fan.  While most people cheer the slick puck control work of Pavel Datsyuk to get around the defenceman, The Backseat Coach appreciates the two quick passes that started the breakout.  When some gripe at a defenceman for not knocking down a breakaway pass, The Backseat Coach complains about the winger that turned the puck over at the offensive blueline just before the breakaway pass.  You’ll often hear him complain about line combinations, how bad the actual coach is at juggling player ice time or why Player X is or is not on the power play.  “Good stick” and “way to go boys” are a couple of phrases you’ll hear often, as is “GET IT DEEP!” and “Watch the trailer, watch the trailer!”

The Backseat Coach will be able to tell you the difference between a 1-2-2 system and a Left Wing Lock, the pros and cons on the dump and chase strategy, and how to break down a passive penalty kill box.  He’ll also usually have a whipping boy on the team, a guy he likes to rag on because of overall poor performance or just because that one time he lost the game on a bad pass.  He’ll know just enough to make you think he could coach hockey, but in reality, he’s no better than any of the other guys out there with half-baked line combinations and a can-do attitude.

You’ll notice The Backseat Coach is always clamouring for a replay, even if he saw it the first time.  The more angles to analyze a play, the better as far as he’s concerned.  Hindsight is always 20/20, and boy does he have a lot of it.  It’s always easy to criticize when the action is slowed down and is viewable from the six or seven different angles the cameras offer, but on the ice, players only have one view.  Victory provides a pretty big high for The Backseat Coach, because he recognizes every play that went into getting it.  On the flip side, defeat is that much more bitter because there are infinitely more what-ifs than just that crossbar (stupid Lafayette) or that kicked in goal (stupid Otto).

Usefulness: Providing you know one that isn’t a dick, you can learn a few more intricacies about the game if you ask The Backseat Coach to explain it.  When one is passionate enough to learn strategy, one is passionate enough to teach it.  Otherwise, just throw popcorn at him and tell him to pipe down so everyone else can watch.

Next up: The “Shoot It” Guy

It’s Pi Day! Bake a pie, eat a pie, calculate digits of pi, watch Pi or do with pi.  Mmmm…pie.

In this series of “Better Know a Hockey Fan,” I have covered The Poolie and The Gambler.  The subject of this post is The Puck Bunny.

Often clad in pink team merchandise (I still maintain that the inventor of the pink jersey should burn in hell), The Puck Bunny is usually one of the more vocal fans you will see attending/watching a hockey game. They’re like groupies for hockey players. You will also see them carrying signs affixed with glitter written on brightly coloured poster board carrying a marriage proposal for their favourite player du jour. Not that there aren’t male Puck Bunnies, as evidenced by the following photographic evidence (at least, I think this one is male).

The Puck Bunny is in the general age range of teenage to early twenties, is predominantly female and has the hockey sense of your average wet paper bag. Not unlike your typical screaming boy band fanatic, The Puck Bunny has more interest in a player’s marital status than his current goal total. There are even web sites dedicated to keeping track of these things.

No NHL player has been stalked to my knowledge, but you never know what happens with major junior players in small town Canada (especially since those kids are in the same age bracket as The Puck Bunny). Need proof? Go attend a major junior hockey game, like the Vancouver Giants. You won’t have to look hard for puck bunnies, they’ll be the ones screeching. Try to listen carefully to what they say, if you’re willing to risk your ears bleeding from the pitch of their voices, and you’ll understand just how crazy it gets. At least it’s not Beatles/Elvis crazy though; my uncle once told me the story of Beatles fans trying to trap Paul McCartney’s farts into a bottle so they could smell it later.

The most fascinating part of a hockey game for The Puck Bunny is the interview of the player, because that’s when she will get to know the “real .” Cliches demonstrate sensitivity…or…something.  Upon seeing her favourite player, The Puck Bunny may emit a sound which I can only describe as “squealing,” although that’s doing pigs a disservice. On occasion, this “squealing” may rise above the range of human hearing (in which case you only need worry if you have a pet dog).

Usefulness: Unless you’re a hockey player looking for a booty call, they’re just annoying.  Except when they’re hot.  And you have earplugs.

Next up: The Backseat Coach

I began my series of “Better Know a Hockey Fan” with The Poolie. This post features The Gambler.

The Gambler doesn’t really have a favourite team; he just cheers for whoever will win him the bet.  Not unlike The Bandwagon Jumper, except The Gambler is doing it for money rather than some desperate attempt to be a part of a winning tradition.  More noble? Not really, but at least it gains him something tangible. The Gambler knows the point spread, although that’s child’s play to him. He’s got bets on everything from how many fights there will be in a game (the Don Cherry Special) to how many post game interviews will feature the phrase “gotta give it 110% and keep playing our game” (Kesler’s feeling pretty cliche tonight).

When others are high-fiving a goal, The Gambler is cursing about how that just cost him the over/under bet he had on total goals. He’s also on the phone half of the game because he just found another bet to place. At this point, he’s probably got 10 large sitting amongst various dubious bookies, half of which are probably under investigation by the RCMP (and by “investigation” I mean “being ignored while they handle the latest PR disaster”). The other half is getting bailed out by the latest stimulus package. What, you thought there would be accountability or something?

The Gambler likely knows less about hockey than your average fan; all of the knowledge in his brain is comprised of current team hot/cold streaks, goals per game, recent coaching changes and the most recent win/loss goal differential. Who needs to know about offsides when you can predict when a team’s hot streak will come to an end? Play the odds right, and bam, you got yourself an easy score.

Usefulness: Unless you’re placing a bet, not much. Even then, most gamblers suck at it. You gotta be careful though, The Gambler might hit you up for some cash to make his next bet.

Next up: The Puck Bunny

Despite living in a Canadian city home to plenty of amateur, professional and semi-professional hockey clubs, I find myself without a lot of hockey fan friends.  Many are aware of the existence of teams in the general vicinity, some hate the sport, others are indifferent and a few have the “yay we won!” crowd mentality.  I know a couple of people who enjoy watching the game and appreciate more than the general concept of “put the circular black disc in the net-like structure.”

Hockey fans are a peculiar lot, a broad mixture of irrational, crazy and general all-around fun loving sort.  If you know of a few (perhaps outside of myself, if you are reading this blog), you may not understand why hockey fans act the way they do.  I figured I would write a small series of posts, called “Better Know a Hockey Fan,” so you might get a glimpse into the psyche of a hockey fan (it’s weird and slightly insane, just to warn you).  There are several types of hockey fans from my point of view, each of which will be a subject of a post.  If you happen to have the good fortune to attend a hockey game or are watching the game with a few hockey nuts, you might be able to spot one of them listed here.  I’m not sure how long this series will last; that will depend on how lazy I get and if I get distracted by other things.
Let’s start with the Poolie.

The Poolie is not unlike a poolie in any other sport.  This guy is stats maniac, but probably less of a maniac than baseball fans.  Let’s face it, other than getting drunk and looking at stats, what else do you do as a baseball fan? Watch the game? Please.  The 7th Inning Stretch is there to wake you up so you can go buy more beer.  But I digress.

The Poolie knows the most up to date stats on any player in the game.  He knows who is on a hot streak, who is on a cold streak, line combinations to maximize points (of course better than the coaches) and knows more about the recovery schedule of an injured player than the player’s wife.  While others are celebrating the clutch goal that just gave their team the lead, the Poolie is waiting for the announcement to see if that third line fringe player he grabbed in the 14th round of the keeper pool run by that guy he knows on an Internet forum got the second assist.  He has memorized the standings in every pool he has entered (what, you didn’t think he would just enter ONE, did you?) and, depending on which pool he cares the most about, will adjust his cheering once he figures out how much closer he is to the third place guy.

When the announcers take a moment to mention a player that’s on a hot streak, the Poolie will either brag about how he picked up that player last week just before the hot streak began or complain incessantly that the only reason the player got hot was that the Poolie dropped him.  The Poolie generally isn’t a fun person to watch games with unless there’s another Poolie watching the game.  Instead of him talking to a room that doesn’t care about that bum who’s done jack all year, the Poolies can discuss benching strategies and injury reports while others can actually, you know, watch the game.

Usefulness: Unless you’ve got an office pool and you want to show up that Poolie that has won the last 3 years in a row, talking hockey with a Poolie is pretty boring and you won’t learn much outside of which players are particularly injury prone or could have bounce back years.

Next Up: The Gambler